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  and: A love story within

  Copyright © 2018 by Michelle Kaplan

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  ISBN (Softcover): 978-1-54393-922-4

  ISBN (eBook): 978-1-54393-923-1

  Cover art by Mitch Rosacker, www.selfdiscoverystudio.com

  Author’s headshot taken by Michelle Arpin Begina

  Praise for and: A love story within

  Michelle Kaplan’s keen awareness of the truth of our human experience and her transparent vulnerability combined with her personal quest for freedom and self-expression make reading her poetry a deep and meaningful experience.

  Jack Canfield, Coauthor of the Chicken Soup for the Soul® series and The Success Principles™: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be

  Michelle Kaplan set out on a journey to find herself amid all the inner and outer confusions and complexities of life. Many readers will find their own story in hers, and will find her poetry inspiring and empowering as they set out to do what she did: reconnect with themselves, and live out the love affair between ‘soul and ego, heart and mind, love and fear, heaven and earth.’ There’s a love story within all of us waiting to be written and rewritten, the kind of self-love without which all other love fails. May this book help you find, write, and live your inner love story.

  Parker J. Palmer, Author of Let Your Life Speak, A Hidden Wholeness, and On the Brink of Everything

  Michelle Kaplan’s poems have a way of latching onto ones’ soul and provides a sense of inner peace and freedom.

  Jean Marie Rosone, LCSW, Coordinator of Integrative Oncology, Carol G. Simon Cancer Center, Morristown Medical Center

  It took reading and: a love story within for me to realize that my conscious mind assumed “and” was a decision to be made, a conscious choice about how to live. No. It’s present in everyday living, striving and inclusive, a gift that is given, if only we can see. This book puts words to the inner knowings we all have, yet so easily dismiss. “And” gives permission to listen to the clear, steady, and persistent inner voice and in doing so fully become ourselves.

  Michelle Arpin Begina, Senior Partner/Managing Director

  Wealth Advisory Firm

  and: a love story within is a mirror of your most inner thoughts and struggles. Self-reflections are brought to the surface that have been buried over time. It tugs at your soul and reminds you of who you once were and who you can rediscover.

  Rosemarie M.

  This book will touch your heart! As you read it, over and over again, you will be inspired and you will belly laugh! Like a dear friend you really trust, it will speak to you in the challenging moments of life. And—it will support you on your journey of True Self discovery and transformation!

  Mitch Rosacker, Self Discovery Studio

  “Though a personal journey of her own awareness, Michelle Kaplan’s poems enabled me to place myself in the story as if it was written for me. It put words to my own personal experiences that I had not found for myself. Thank you for sharing your journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. What is wonderful is that it shows that the journey to self-awareness unfolds in many stages, but in the end, the power of knowing who you are allows you to live life with one of the most wonderful people on this earth…yourself.”

  Cindy Tomcak, Performance Coach

  Michelle Kaplan allowed me to know her inner feelings and truths through her beautiful, inspiring and honest poetry. As she delves into her realities, fears and discoveries, she has encouraged me to do the same. I too, have searched all my life for the answers and through her insightful writing and creativity in and: A love story within, I was provided a guide to find my own inner voice and self.

  Diana B.

  Through her magical words and open heart, Michelle Kaplan awakens all our senses with her raw honesty, authenticity, and emotional journey of self-discovery. Although a deeply personal story woven together poem by poem, and: A love story within is amazingly relatable and universal, automatically inviting the reader to contemplate their own soul’s adventure. As you get to know the author, you cannot help but more precisely know yourself, a true sign of a masterpiece.

  Cindy D. Whitmer, Coach, Speaker, Author, Founder of The Inspiration Center

  Your words are like fingers touching my body, arousing me so.

  Jillian Marty Dushane, Ph.D. Candidate, Communication, UMass Amherst

  Table of Contents

  The Invitation to and

  Foreword

  Preface

  Prologue

  The Clock Watcher

  So I Write

  The Ego… and the suffering it createsMessage from the Tea Leaves

  Velvet Coffin

  Quenching My Thirst

  Gypsy

  The Red Sundress

  So Done!

  The Soul… remembering who we really areMy Wish for You

  From the Silence

  A Beautiful View

  The Orange Candle

  Silent Prayer

  True Nature

  Morning Meditation

  Spiritual Facial

  Until Now

  Self-Portrait

  The resistance from the Ego… as the Soul emergesTribute to Diana

  Truth

  Unwritten

  What is Real?

  Pure

  Authenticity

  More Questions than Answers

  What the Hell Am I Doing?

  Wide Open

  Unrequited

  The Resolution… breaking up with myselfWordless

  Belonging

  A Winter’s Journey

  Prison Walls

  Breaking Up with Myself

  Grace in the Wildness

  The Reunion… of the Ego and SoulTooth Fairy

  It

  Worthy

  The Middle Place

  Turning 50

  Playing It Safe

  Rooting for Her

  How to Be

  Self-Expression

  Not Business as Usual

  Realizing and… the love affair of the heart and mindAwake

  Crumbling

  How about Now?

  and

  Loving All of Me

  A Love Worth Waiting For

  Shall We Dance?

  Passengers

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  The Invitation to and

  Come dream with me.

  The night is still young.

  We can go wherever we desire,

  do the unthinkable,

  and create the unimaginable.

  Anything is possible

  with a moon so full and bright.

  So take my hand.

  It’s time to go.

  Come dream with me.

  Foreword

  I first met Michelle at one of Jack Canfield’s Train the Trainer programs after my stage demonstration of the RIM® Method, a body-centered transformational technique that I discovered. Her vitality and exuberance for life was immediately apparent and now I know why. She has what many people don’t—an intimate connection with herself.

  The writing of poetry has provided Michelle a safe place to explore her demons. Little did she know how much richer and more expressive her life could be. In essence when she wrote the poetry book and, she reconnected with her soul. She fell in love with herself.

  Since our first meeting, Michelle has trained with m
e and is a Certified RIM® Facilitator. Many times, we’ve shared our love of how images shape and transform our lives—whether through an imaginary adventure with The RIM® Method or through the writing or reading of poetry. Both experiences can take us to unknown destinations beyond the logical mind, yet offer answers to what really matters most—the true self.

  Poetry has transformed my life also. In my book, Releasing the Inner Magician, I share how spontaneous writing in a poetry class brought me release and insight that healed my relationship with my daughter.

  Michelle’s poetry holds great healing—healing from her own experiences—beautiful healing that readers get to share on their journey through and.

  Deborah Sandella, PhD, RN

  Founder of The RIM® Institute

  Author of #1 International Bestseller, Goodbye, Hurt & Pain: 7 Simple Steps for Health, Love, and Success

  Preface

  It was more like the last straw than a big epiphany. I was just tired of feeling like it was never enough. For others. For me. I kept saying to myself, “I want to find the Truth.” I didn’t know exactly what that was other than to describe it as a more authentic way of being. I had this gnawing sense that there was more to life. There just had to be, because if this was it, I’m screwed.

  So I started self-inquiry practices. One of them was writing to help clarify my thoughts and feelings. Through writing my musings, confessions, and insights, I had this one “aha” realization that changed everything for me. I finally understood this one simple and real truth.

  I will never be enough and that I am enough.

  These two simultaneous realities, paradoxical and true, made me feel hopeless and liberated at the same time. I recognized how much time and energy I spent trying to change others’ perceptions of me when what I really needed to do was change my perception of me. Instead, I was resisting by defending, controlling, and avoiding because, whether conscious of it or not, I believed them. Yet, there was also a small, deep place within me that understood the misperceptions were a load of crap.

  I wanted to connect more to that small deep place within. I knew that to do that meant that I had to start listening and acting on my inner knowings, which, at times, goes against the grain. Many times I heard from others, “Get with the program, Michelle.” So I did. I really tried. But it really wasn’t working for me—or them.

  There were also times when I decided, with the best intentions, not to go along with what was expected because I saw another way, which caused emotional reactions in others that I either internalized or had me campaigning hard, trying to convince them somehow to accept, or dare I say, even like what I was doing. Yeah, I know. Good luck with that.

  So slowly, I started to live my truths, baby steps more than giant leaps, because I wasn’t really sure what was true anymore. Hence, my personal mantra was born, “Keep it simple. Keep it real.” Truth asks for only that.

  No one said simple and real is easy. And yet, over time, as the small, deep place within me grew larger and became more accessible; others’ words and actions couldn’t penetrate my new armor of enoughness. In my search for answers, I received more questions and ultimately found a love story. The inevitable love affair between my soul and ego, heart and mind, love and fear, heaven and earth. This love story is within all of us waiting to be written and rewritten.

  and: a love story within is a self-transformational book written in poetic verse, stories within a story, textured and layered, of my personal journey in the universal search for Truth. The way to truth and love is a lifelong, moment-to-moment process built on the ever-growing foundation of trust as I continue to feel my way through the unsteadiness and inconsistency of living in the divine mystery in a world that demands human certainty. The offering of my poems is an invitation for you to rise up to your highest potential and create true love from the inside out since my truth is your truth.

  One Truth. The Truth.

  With love and gratitude,

  Michelle

  June 15, 2018

  Prologue

  The Clock Watcher

  I grab my folders, pack up my laptop, and head out of work.

  I pass You in the hallway on my way out.

  Not so subtly,

  You glance at your watch and then back at me

  with a look of disapproval.

  At a meeting about a week ago,

  You spoke to the group

  about your disdain for the Clock Watchers,

  the ones who leave exactly on time,

  every day, no less.

  They’re lazy, uncaring and unaccountable,

  always trying to get away with something.

  There should be no tolerance for this.

  It’s 5:00 o’clock on the dot

  and I’m hurrying out of work…

  again.

  I’m in my car now,

  on the highway,

  when I notice a sea of red

  from the brake lights

  of the cars stopped in traffic.

  I slowly crawl through the congestion

  with everyone else.

  I’m getting nervous.

  The clock on the dashboard reads 5:30

  and I’m only half way home.

  I need to pick up my daughter

  from the after school program by six.

  I watch a black Audi

  weaving in and out of lanes,

  desperately or valiantly

  trying to get out of this mess.

  Finally, a clearing on the road ahead.

  GO!

  I race the rest of my commute home,

  round the corner into the school parking lot

  a little faster than I should

  and park the car.

  5:58

  Perfect.

  Two minutes to spare.

  As I sprint in my high heels

  into the school cafeteria,

  I see you sitting at a table,

  all alone,

  with your backpack and lunch bag by your side,

  all ready to go.

  Waiting.

  You run into my arms

  and give me a big hug,

  “Momma, you came!”

  “Of course, honey.”

  We gather your stuff and you ask me,

  so gently,

  so softly,

  “Why am I always the last kid to be picked up every night?”

  I quickly shift my body and look away,

  as I don’t want you to see the tears forming,

  evidence of my heart breaking.

  I can barely get out the words,

  “I’m so sorry.”

  You reply back,

  “It’s okay. I’m alright. How was your day?”

  Always thinking of me.

  How kind and thoughtful you are.

  We rush off to dinner,

  giggling and being silly

  as we do your homework

  at a booth at the diner.

  Then off to an hour of tutoring

  to help you with the subjects

  you’re struggling with.

  You look tired

  when I pick you up,

  but you still have that bright smile

  on your beautiful face.

  I think about your day,

  as an eight year old,

  who left the house

  at 7:45 this morning,

  and twelve hours later, there is

  no complaining,

  no whining

  after all your hard work.

  Just sweetness.

  How much I learn from watching you.

  We get home,

  get into our pj’s

>   and cuddle on the couch,

  watching your favorite show,

  finally time to relax.

  I put you to bed, and,

  after talking time and the usual stalling,

  you fall asleep with Bear Bear

  tucked safely in your arms.

  I, on the other hand,

  head downstairs,

  grab my paperwork and laptop bag

  and head to the kitchen table,

  to finish an assignment

  that’s due at the end of the week.

  As I work by the glow of the light

  coming off my monitor,

  I think about Your view of me

  as a Clock Watcher.

  I don’t get the glory of being the hero at work,

  riding into the conference room after hours,

  on my white horse,

  ready to save the project from near disaster.

  I don’t get called up on stage at the banquet dinner

  to receive an award for my tireless contributions.

  No, I don’t even get credit

  for giving good face time

  for working at my desk late into the evening.

  Instead, Clock Watchers are quietly working

  and eating lunch alone

  because we know

  we have to make the most of our time

  at the office.

  We continually make conflicting choices,

  which school functions

  to attend during work hours.

  We juggle, scramble, and barter

  on who is going to watch our child when they get sick,

  have a miscellaneous day off from school,

  or when we receive

  the dreaded snow day robo-call at 5:00 a.m.

  It’s working diligently

  at the kitchen table

  until 11:30 at night

  to make sure we get our work done,

  whenever we can,

  without anyone, but ourselves

  knowing how much we accomplish.

  Clock Watchers celebrate silent, solitary victories.

  With these last thoughts,