and Read online

  are actually alternate realities,

  waiting to be expressed,

  but only when

  Mind and Heart

  are wide open.

  Be today,

  come tomorrow,

  and the suffering will end.

  Unrequited

  You are Winter.

  I am Spring.

  The blizzard

  has passed,

  but your heart remains frozen

  in a time and place

  by frigid winds

  blowing around

  gusts of untruths

  that never existed

  except in the mountains

  of your mind.

  All I can do is watch

  and wait for you

  to pass through

  the eye of the storm,

  with faith

  that new buds

  will appear

  on the twisted branches

  of a deep-rooted tree,

  by warm breezes

  that melt the ice

  and lets you thaw

  from the big chill,

  for you to fully receive

  all the beauty

  that life can bring.

  You are Winter.

  I am Spring.

  Somewhere…

  Summer awaits.

  Part 4

  The Resolution…

  breaking up with myself

  Wordless

  As soon as I picked her up from school

  I knew something was wrong.

  My sweet, loving daughter

  who usually greets me with a running hug

  was quiet,

  forlorn,

  eyes downcast.

  She waited until we got home

  to bare her soul.

  She was left out,

  excluded

  from playing with the group.

  It hurts.

  I know.

  I had a similar day.

  “Why do they do that?” she whispers.

  I look into her big, beautiful eyes

  brimming with tears.

  I wish I could tell her

  the many reasons,

  all of which have nothing to do with her,

  but she wouldn’t understand.

  I wish I could tell her something reassuring,

  like it will stop

  when she gets older,

  but I don’t

  because that’s not true.

  Right now, in this moment,

  what does she need most from me?

  Instinctually, I slide over

  to her side of the couch,

  scoop her up in my arms

  and hug her tightly,

  tears streaming down my face now as well.

  We hold onto each other for dear life,

  for some time,

  taking in each other’s essence.

  Sometimes,

  there are just no words.

  Belonging

  Do you ever feel

  so alone

  because no one sees

  what you see?

  Their horizon,

  straight and narrow,

  while yours is

  vertical, circular, and overlapping.

  They just don’t see

  what you see,

  at least not yet,

  maybe never.

  Do you ever just feel

  so alone?

  A Winter’s Journey

  The crowds are gone,

  boardwalk stands closed.

  I’m all alone,

  bare and battered

  without the usual trappings

  and adornments

  to attract company.

  They have all left me in off-season.

  The For Rent signs

  in front of most homes,

  proof of their abandonment…

  rejection….

  betrayal.

  Exposed to the stark, harsh elements,

  the blustery, freezing winds

  blow right over me

  like I don’t exist.

  Do I matter if no one wants what I have to offer?

  I feel cold, rough and choppy,

  And the recent storms

  have created further erosion.

  What will become of me?

  Off in the far distance

  I see her walking toward me,

  slow and directionless.

  She comes closer,

  and looks right past me

  out into the horizon,

  further proof of my lack.

  I study her,

  natural and unembellished,

  bundled up in a modest coat,

  her eyes with a faraway look,

  her cheeks ruddy,

  her lips dry and cracked.

  She is a reflection

  of my own melancholy and discontent.

  She too is alone.

  We stand together,

  yet apart,

  for some time,

  until unexpectedly,

  she acknowledges me

  with an unwavering gaze,

  filled with strength and compassion.

  She bends down

  and puts out her arms,

  her hands grazing my presence.

  I feel her comforting warmth.

  In this moment,

  she is revived.

  So am I.

  An unlikely pairing,

  I, a deserted beach,

  and, she, a wandering visitor,

  healing each other,

  on our winter’s journey,

  with the simplicity and elegance

  of our presence.

  The seagulls,

  witnessing the splendor

  of our exchange

  fly in synchronized V-formations above.

  A meaningful life

  is but a tangled string

  of surrendered moments like this.

  All is not lost.

  Prison Walls

  I don’t know

  how to leave

  the prison I built

  from the war

  in my mind.

  Palatial cell walls

  constructed with pride and fear

  lured me in

  under the false pretense

  that I’d be

  happy, comfortable, and safe.

  The illusion is exposed.

  I want to break free

  from the maze

  of confusion and shame.

  Yet, I still can’t leave.

  Won’t leave.

  To go where?

  Isn’t the next destination I seek

  just another self-imposed confinement?

  What if life is just this?

  Breaking Up with Myself

  Dear Ego,

  Look, we’ve had a good run.

  In fact, this is the longest

  I’ve been in a relationship with anyone,

  but the gig is up.

  We’ve experienced so much together,

  the good and the bad,

  and, yes, you’ve always been there for me,

  but I’ve grown and expanded

  and you…not so much,

  and besides,

  we’ve always wanted different things

  out of life anyway.

  I know you’ve repeatedly said

  I can’t live without
you,

  but guess what?

  I can.

  That was made clear

  when you’ve backed off in the past

  and given me some space,

  but it never lasts.

  Instead, you keep disrupting

  all the beauty and peace

  I’m trying to create in the world.

  I’ve been gentle and compassionate with you,

  because that’s my true nature,

  but let’s not confuse niceness with weakness.

  I can’t do this anymore.

  I won’t do this anymore.

  This current round of fear and remorse you’re instigating

  to create unnecessary suffering within me is the last straw.

  I’m so over your flashy, needy, and controlling ways.

  And anyway, I’m into the strong, silent type now.

  What I know for certain

  is that my life will include

  my daughter,

  creative expression,

  ice cream, chocolate,

  and a few pairs of cute shoes.

  Everything else is a crapshoot,

  except you.

  There’s no more room for you.

  Maybe for you

  to finally stop,

  I need to speak to you

  in the harsh tones

  that you speak to me.

  So here goes.

  Your choices,

  are to shut up

  and get over yourself

  or get your bleepin’ crap

  out of my place

  and get your sorry ass out of here.

  Comprende?

  Eternally,

  Your Soul

  XOXO

  Grace in the Wildness

  It’s time to say goodbye to you

  gently,

  yet deliberately,

  closing the door

  on our time together

  and walking away

  without looking back.

  Our experiences,

  were not all bad,

  some very lovely and loving,

  but the arrival of unstable air

  at critical junctures,

  from both of us,

  created powerful winds

  and dry, still air

  that, over time,

  became an unintended storm.

  Surprising to find wisdom

  in the eye of the tornado,

  learning what is real and true.

  There is grace in the wildness.

  Clouds of compassion

  and mists of forgiveness

  hover overhead,

  holding little room for regret,

  when the focus is on the present horizon,

  anticipating the next weather pattern

  without you.

  A climate change is underway

  from hazy smog

  to severely clear skies.

  It’s time to go,

  but where?

  Pride blown away

  by the winds of change,

  patience prevails.

  I succumb to the unknown,

  trusting that double rainbows

  follow rainstorms

  when illuminated by bright sunshine.

  I can now ask for help,

  willingly and beseechingly,

  to the only One

  who can provide the future forecast.

  Part 5

  The Reunion…

  of the Ego and Soul

  Tooth Fairy

  You came home from school today

  proudly announcing

  that you now know

  there is no such thing

  as the tooth fairy.

  Hearing the conviction in your voice,

  seeing the confidence in your stance,

  I felt something solid and black lodge into my heart,

  a result of more than the bittersweet emotions

  of witnessing you growing up, and

  how quickly time is slipping by.

  It was seeing you start to lose your innocence,

  the belief in the enchanted,

  that’s present everywhere,

  all the time

  if we choose to see.

  Remember last week when I asked you to water the plants.

  You held the hose up to the sky and made it rain,

  and danced with joy between the drops.

  We saw rainbows in the water’s essence

  revealing its colorful aura.

  We felt cleansed as the water hit our skin,

  the grime of the day washed away.

  Afterwards, we looked out into the backyard,

  smelling earth’s perfume,

  the beads of water

  crystallizing the grass, trees and flowers,

  nature all jeweled and bedazzled.

  There is a tooth fairy,

  but, no, not in the way you’ve known her to be.

  You’re mature enough now to understand

  that she’s not the tiny creature

  that flits into your room at night

  and puts a dollar under your pillow.

  But she is real.

  She exists in you.

  She exists in me,

  as long as we continue

  to live in the mystery

  and believe in the magic.

  Don’t lose, sweet girl, what I’m now rediscovering.

  It

  I’m tired of…

  defining myself by other’s standards,

  controlling their perceptions of me,

  seeking something better than what is,

  trying to figure everything out.

  I can somewhat appreciate

  how much wasted energy

  has gone into these endeavors,

  yet, my mind can’t grasp how to stop

  the pain, blame, shame game.

  Without the ruse,

  then who am I really?

  How do I show up?

  What do I do instead?

  A mist of clarity

  obscures the air.

  I sense

  the Knowing

  in the Unknown,

  the Seeker

  and the Sought,

  feeling Light

  in the Dark,

  of being more than one

  in One.

  Whomever you are,

  however you are,

  wherever you are

  is the way.

  All of it,

  is IT.

  Worthy

  They think I’m unworthy

  and I’ve allowed

  the shame and guilt of that

  to seep into my Being,

  affect my thoughts,

  influence my feelings,

  and impact my actions

  because I believed them

  without awareness

  of my consent.

  But I don’t believe

  them anymore,

  which changes everything

  and nothing.

  I am whole, complete and enough,

  and so are they,

  even if they don’t know it…

  yet.

  The Middle Place

  Caught between worlds,

  changing form

  like changing clothes,

  garments of the soul.

  Time overlaps,

  dreaming while awake,

  life expanding

&nb
sp; and collapsing.

  I can feel that.

  Anything is possible

  yet, nothing is real.

  The suffering of

  trying to find

  the answer

  when none exists.

  The pendulum swings,

  far left

  and then

  far right,

  back and forth,

  until it finally rests,

  in the middle place.

  Where there is nothing to prove,

  nobody to defend,

  no one right way to be,

  except centered

  between duality and relativity,

  wanting nothing more

  than what is.

  Turning 50

  My world has been caught

  in the karma of past lives,

  where clarity of the Truth

  and my teachings

  woke people up,

  and scared the ones in power

  by threatening their authority

  because I asked people to trust their inner knowings

  rather than the dogma spewing from the mouths

  of the latest representatives of state and church.

  My ignorance and naiveté about my impact on others,

  especially those sourced by jealously, greed, and power

  caused me much harm, over many lives,

  physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

  This has left me stuck to play out a belief

  that made me suppress who I really am,

  and make me feel separate

  from all that I know to be true.

  This belief has caused me to leave

  the rich imagination and creativity

  of a little girl behind

  as I grew up into a practical, independent woman

  who unknowingly made life choices

  to avoid further personal harm from others.

  But it didn’t work.

  Not only did I still not fit in,

  but I became judge, jury, and prisoner,

  self-imprisoned by my own thoughts and feelings.

  And now, knowing all this,

  I’m trying to find forgiveness

  in others,

  and mostly myself.

  Only when we can love

  our enemies and inner demons

  are we truly free.

  Rebellious?

  Midlife crisis?

  No.

  Just trying to live

  in the purity of the truth

  not needing to prove myself to others,

  attempting to right

  their false impressions of me.

  I’m not the abandoned little girl